There was a moment in my life when I was in a very dark place for a while. I had just graduated college and moved back home to Houston. You would think this would be one of the happiest moments, but it turned out to be the opposite. My life wasn’t going as I had planned.
I couldn’t find a job. Every interview I had I was told I was overqualified. I was experiencing rejection over and over. All the money I saved to move back home was gone. Instead of me paying off my debt, I was adding more. Every month I was trying to find a way to pay the bills I still had. I would question God on why this was happening to me.
As each month passed, the darker my mind started to get. I slowly stopped going on interviews, stopped caring about the things going on around me, stopped praying, and would just sit in my room. Every day my mind would be filled with negative thoughts about myself and how much I hated life. At the same time, when I saw people, I would smile like everything was okay. I never told a single soul I was struggling mentally. Not even my mom, who I was living with at the time. I was too ashamed to admit it, so I battled with it alone. Every day the negative thoughts got worse. The sadness I had at first started to turn into anger. I was angry at God, myself, and life. I got to the point where suicidal thoughts started to come. I felt like there was no reason for me to live. I had nothing left to give. I didn’t want to do life anymore, and I was okay with that.
One day I stayed in my darkroom all day; I didn’t get up at all. My mom had just got home from work, then all of a sudden, she walked into my room and just hugged me. She didn’t say a word; she just hugged me for a while. That very moment was the first time I felt God so strongly. Even though it was my mom hugging me, I felt like it was God hugging me. I started to feel the darkness lift off of me. My fight started to come back. I chose to get up and move again. Each day as I kept moving and praying, my life began to change for the better. Whenever I hear the story in Matthew (Matt 18:12) about how God leaves the 99 to go after the one, it always reminds me of this moment in my life because I felt he came back for me.
I share this part of my life to say that depression is so real, and it does not discriminate. It doesn’t matter what your gender is, how you look, how much you make, what you have or don’t have. Anyone can experience depression at any moment. It doesn’t happen overnight; it will gradually come upon you without even realizing it. Our minds can be our biggest enemies when we allow lies, doubt, fear, insecurities to enter. We have to fight off those attacks daily and fill our minds with positive thoughts and the things God says about us.
As I went through my depression, I learned the importance of having community, prayer, and movement to win.
Community
When I first faced depression, I didn’t tell anyone. I battled with it by myself. But once my mom stepped in, I had someone to help me through. Now if I ever feel myself struggling or slipping back I immediately tell my circle of people that I can confide in because I know they will help me fight. It’s important to have people around you who can help you fight, even if it’s just one person.
Genesis 2:18
Prayer
When you are battling depression, it’s important to never stop praying. I allowed my mental state to stop me from praying and I turned away from God. My depression only got worse from there. I had to find my power to pray again.
Philippians 4:6
Keep Moving
When you become stagnant, the attack on your mind begins to defeat you. It drowns out any good that was left. You have to keep taking steps forward, even if they are small. Every step you take is a step towards victory.
If you are facing depression, I hope my story helps you in some way. Don’t quit on yourself; you have so much more to give. If you’ve never faced depression, I hope this serves as a reminder to be more sensitive to those around you and to be willing to fight for your family/friend’s well-being.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
Psalms 34:18 NLT
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